Are you aware of your personality type? I am. It's part of my INFJ-ness to know and be intrigued by my personality type. Naturally, I've been thinking a lot about who Eivin will grow up being - are we going to jive and appreciate each other when his personality really takes shape? I hope so! I always say that I'm pretty difficult to be married to. I'm hard to get close to. I let Stephen in more than anyone else in my whole life, aside from my sisters and mom. But generally speaking, I do not even LIKE getting close to people. Is that weird? It feels weird to even type out. I think it has something to do with feeling vulnerable and with the fact that I generally do not trust people or even find them interesting. Harsh? Perhaps. But I know myself well enough to know that I have always found myself disappointed in how people lack depth and conviction with their values. There are only a couple of people I've ever met where I feel like I can really engage with them in deep, meaningful conversations. So this leads me to the topic of being an INFJ mom. I'm just now starting to feel like I've got my sea legs in this whole parenting thing. It's been a huge adjustment! But we are in a good groove right now, and if there's something I like - it's predictability and opportunity to operate in a 'safe space'. This allows me to focus on Eivin and observe him. I love seeing his personality form. I cherish precious moments with him like when we first wake up in the morning. He usually looks up at me and puts his hand on my cheek as if to say "Hi Mom, I'm glad you're here next to me." Totally melts me. Even though I know we're bound to have a few frustrating moments through our day because I am 2 minutes late to feeding him, or I haven't replenished his tower of toys to destroy and spread quite as quickly as he'd like when we start our day with such a sweet moment, that's all I want to remember. My heart aches deeply because I know I won't remember all those moments. I can't carry them all with me - it's too much and that's not how we're designed. But, if I could, I would. I'm very reflective and spend a lot of time mulling over my thoughts and revisit interactions often so that I can make sense of my feelings. I think the hardest thing for me is that "motherly" things do not come natural to me. I do not like to feel inadequate (who does?) but I have no way to gauge how well I'm doing other than how Eivin seems to be doing. He seems to be doing really well! He's a really happy baby. I hope he's always happy. I hope I can always "be there" in the way that he needs me to. Right now, it's very concrete things like just waking up together. When he gets older, it will change and I hope I never lose that closeness with him. Having a kid is hard work, but I think it's hardest on my heart. I try not to let my anxiety go crazy and remind myself that I can only control a very tiny amount of the world around me and Eivin, and to just do the best I can and soak up ALL of those sweet moments with him. I want to absorb every single kiss and giggle, weave them into a blanket of memories that I can snuggle up with every night.
A bit rambley, but that's been on my mind and heart and I just wanted to get it all out.
