One year ago today

June 19th, 2013 was the day I had my D&C procedure.  We had found out on June 3rd that our baby no longer had a heart beat.  Today I feel a deep sense of pain for what I wish I knew at that point in time, I wish I could rip through the blanket of time and give myself the biggest hug and tell myself that I am a strong person who did nothing wrong, who loved her baby with her whole heart and will love like that again.  I would tell myself not to have any grand expectations for another pregnancy: when or how that would happen - that fertility is a tricky thing, and that this journey SUCKS.  It just sucks.  And no one asks or wants to be on this train, but the best thing to do is find others who are hurting like you, and hold on tight to each other - celebrating the ups and comforting during the downs.

Exactly one year ago I was at the outpatient center getting checked in, going through paper work, getting hooked up to the IV, letting my husband comfort me the only way he knew how - by reading me sports articles from the news on our kindle.  In the back of our minds the uncomfortable thoughts fluttered around: "today they're going to take away my baby", "today I'm going to lose her...they're going to take her from me", "we won't get to bury him, he'll be 'medical waste' and there's nothing I can do", "I'm scared", "this sucks", "please tell me this is a horrible dream", "was it something I did?  Or didn't do?".  Caged like little birds, those thoughts fluttered in both our minds creating uncomfortable chatter and the only way to silence them temporarily was to smile, and keep reading sports news.

You do what you have to do to get through, right?  We came home that night, ate pho, I took my pain meds, and went to bed.

I had no idea of the pain and grief that would be waiting for me the next morning.  Like a part of me suddenly went missing over night - I felt completely and utterly betrayed by my own body, my faith, my good intentions, my work ethic, nothing mattered to me anymore.  Over the following months I become angry, bitter, full of hate, full of jealousy, full of resentment and spiraled into a dangerous and scary depression.  It felt like I was suffocating, grasping in the dark for any familiar thing to give me a foot hold, a sense of direction, and most importantly, the answer to my burning question - WHY?

You don't get to know why.  You don't get to know why at all.  Living with no why was my new normal and I had to accept that and move on in order to begin to differentiate which was up from down, left from right again in my life.  I found an online community that was my saving grace.  When it *seemed* like no one in my life knew what I was going through, these ladies did, and their friendship and protective community was exactly what I needed.  Some of them moved on (became pregnant and had their babies), some are still waiting for that to happen, some have sadly decided they are to be child free, not by choice.  Without these women, and the support of my amazing husband, I don't know the depths I would've let myself go to.

While I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and so in love with this baby, I will never ever forget our first and second babies that became angels too soon.  My favorite quote when I think about them is from Winnie the Pooh:

"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"