Being an INFJ mom

Are you aware of your personality type?  I am.  It's part of my INFJ-ness to know and be intrigued by my personality type.  Naturally, I've been thinking a lot about who Eivin will grow up being - are we going to jive and appreciate each other when his personality really takes shape?  I hope so!  I always say that I'm pretty difficult to be married to.  I'm hard to get close to.  I let Stephen in more than anyone else in my whole life, aside from my sisters and mom.  But generally speaking, I do not even LIKE getting close to people.  Is that weird?  It feels weird to even type out.  I think it has something to do with feeling vulnerable and with the fact that I generally do not trust people or even find them interesting.  Harsh?  Perhaps.  But I know myself well enough to know that I have always found myself disappointed in how people lack depth and conviction with their values.  There are only a couple of people I've ever met where I feel like I can really engage with them in deep, meaningful conversations. So this leads me to the topic of being an INFJ mom.  I'm just now starting to feel like I've got my sea legs in this whole parenting thing.  It's been a huge adjustment!  But we are in a good groove right now, and if there's something I like - it's predictability and opportunity to operate in a 'safe space'.  This allows me to focus on Eivin and observe him.  I love seeing his personality form.  I cherish precious moments with him like when we first wake up in the morning.  He usually looks up at me and puts his hand on my cheek as if to say "Hi Mom, I'm glad you're here next to me."  Totally melts me.  Even though I know we're bound to have a few frustrating moments through our day because I am 2 minutes late to feeding him, or I haven't replenished his tower of toys to destroy and spread quite as quickly as he'd like when we start our day with such a sweet moment, that's all I want to remember.  My heart aches deeply because I know I won't remember all those moments.  I can't carry them all with me - it's too much and that's not how we're designed.  But, if I could, I would.  I'm very reflective and spend a lot of time mulling over my thoughts and revisit interactions often so that I can make sense of my feelings. I think the hardest thing for me is that "motherly" things do not come natural to me.  I do not like to feel inadequate (who does?) but I have no way to gauge how well I'm doing other than how Eivin seems to be doing.  He seems to be doing really well!  He's a really happy baby.  I hope he's always happy.  I hope I can always "be there" in the way that he needs me to.  Right now, it's very concrete things like just waking up together.  When he gets older, it will change and I hope I never lose that closeness with  him.  Having a kid is hard work, but I think it's hardest on my heart.  I try not to let my anxiety go crazy and remind myself that I can only control a very tiny amount of the world around me and Eivin, and to just do the best I can and soak up ALL of those sweet moments with him.  I want to absorb every single kiss and giggle, weave them into a blanket of memories that I can snuggle up with every night.

A bit rambley, but that's been on my mind and heart and I just wanted to get it all out.

Eivin's birth story

As promised...

Labor started on Tuesday evening. I was able to sleep between contractions at first but then had to get up and work through them in the wee hours of the morning. I also wanted to let MH get as much sleep as possible because he was actually sick and fighting a nasty cold...poor guy! I labored at home all day on Wednesday until ctx were 3mins apart for an hour. That was our indicator to pack up the car and head in. I was checked out and told I was a "stretchy 1cm". I was like "you're F'ing kidding me". So I got some morphine for pain management and to help get some sleep since it had been about 24 hours by then. And we were sent home. 

The morphine worked for between contractions but not during them. Then, at 10pm on Wednesday my water broke at home. I kept laboring at home in my own not wanting to not make progress and to be sent home again so I was able to hold out until 3am on Thursday morning. Then we headed to the hospital where they confirmed my water did break and I was, in fact, in labor (um.....DUH!!!). They admitted me. I was given fentanyl to "take the edge off" and I got a good amount of rest while laboring through walking and in the tub. But my progress was very, very slow. I was at 2cm at time of admission to the hospital and was at a 3 by noon on Thursday when they started me on pitocin and set my epidural. Sweet relief!!!!!

From there I didn't progress until 6pm when I was checked and at a 4, then a 5 by 9pm and a 6 by midnight. They kept putting pitocin levels up then down trying to make my contraction pattern more regular. During this time baby C's heart rate was dropping with each contraction then accelerating after the contraction was over. Very scary to hear that every couple of minutes. They placed an amnio infusion to help give him a bit of a cushion. And they placed me on pure oxygen both of which helped him a lot at first but the longer my sloooow labor progressed the more concerned they got about how he was handling all this. 

My doctor finally said when I was 8cm that she was going to try to manually stretch me to a 10 as I pushed through contractions. I gave that everything I had and pushed like a boss. She was able to do it and I was finally fully dilated at 6:30 on Friday morning and she said she'd give me an hour to push. I pushed with everything in me and gave it my all but an hour later when she checked me Eivin had not moved at all (turns out he was presenting in an asynclitic position). We agreed that between him being in such distress plus both of us showing signs of infection that it was c-section time. 

At 8:33 Friday morning he arrived!!! 7lbs 5oz and 20.5" of pure love. He spent 48 hours in the NICU being monitored and tested for an infection but it came back negative and he was discharged with us the next day. I was able to do skin to skin and BF him about an hour after surgery and he was immediately a champ when it came to eating (takes after me there  ). 

*Ahem* Sorry, I've been MIA

So, the good news? He's here! Haha. I definitely did not keep up with my posts, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the third trimester FLEW by! Once we found out we were expecting a little boy we took off with preparations. I think I reached a point, emotionally, in accepting that I may never fully feel comfortable or 'safe' (although I dislike using that term when it comes to pregnancy) in my pregnancy, that I still needed to accept the reality that all signs were pointing to us bringing home our baby boy in December.  That meant there was a LOT of work to do, so off we went and with that came prioritizing my time in research and projects to prepare our home, hearts, and heads for our little guy.

I did continue to document my weekly bump, though, so let's catch up with those first, shall we?

25 Weeks - part of our "announcement" on FB (you should see how many tries it took for us to get this just perfectly to my liking...picky much? :))


26 Weeks - still fit into my Russell Wilson jersey!


27 Weeks


28 Weeks


29 Weeks!


30 Weeks - only 10 more weeks to go - eek!

 31 Weeks


32 Weeks


33 Weeks


34 Weeks - T-shirts under work-appropriate cardigans and yoga pants with boots were my go-to outfit.  I liked to keep myself as comfortable as possible while cooking my little human.


35 Weeks - Started to run out of clothes that fit my growing belly!


At 36 Weeks, we had our baby shower, which was a blast!  And I hiked up to Artist Point.  It's amazing what our bodies are capable of!





37 Weeks - Stephen was feeling ready!


38 Weeks - Hanging out with family at Thanksgiving and navigating through a lot of "you're eating for TWO" comments.


39 Weeks - My last week of work...no more work bathroom selfies!


40 Weeks - no sign of the little man arriving!


41 Weeks exactly - I had started to have contractions late in the evening on the prior day.  Don't I look glamorous here? I took time to do my hair and now that I've been through this once, I realize that means you're PROBABLY NOT DILATING OR AS FAR INTO LABOR AS YOU THOUGHT AND MOST LIKELY NOT GOING TO HAVE THE BABY THAT DAY!  Proceed to the next photo


41 Weeks and 1 day - That's a little more like it.  That's the "I better snap this photo before the next contraction comes" smile that looks more like a grimace because I had been up for 24 hours working through contractions at this point and had already given up on plans for a natural birth after being told I was only "maybe a stretchy 1cm".  4 powerful words flew out of my mouth at that point and they were "GIVE ME THE DRUGS."



41 Weeks and 2 days at 8:33am, my bump resident came Earth-side via emergency C-section.  He's the most beautiful, precious, precarious joy I've ever encountered. I still remember my body shaking in the OR not from the drugs (but maybe a little from the drugs) but from sheer excitement and anticipation in meeting this little guy.  I was on the cusp of colliding with this exciting, scary, awesome new world and one that I was going to be playing a major role in.  And just like that.  Boom.  Eivin was born.

I'm going to break now, but plan on writing out his whole birth story.  I actually wrote it out closer to when he was born while it was still fresh in my head.  More to come!

17 - 24 week catch-up!

YIKES!!!  Can majorly slacking on the blog up-keep be a pregnancy symptom?  I'm going to vote yes.  A lot has happened between week 16 and now!  Here's the nitty gritty:

Symptoms: everything ranging from sore hips, difficulty sleeping (pregnancy insomnia), vivid dreams, nesting and a much bigger belly (you'll see).

Emotionally: I'm doing pretty well. I still have panic attack moments, like when we announced on FB.  There's something I just don't like about broadcasting something so personal on such a public forum.  But, it was time, and I'm not sad I did it.  Our baby will be here soon enough and I don't plan to close my FB account, so I might as well announce the change in our life coming December!  But occasionally, I still contend with fears that are common for PgAL mommas.

Positive note: Time feels like it has been flying by!  We've got the nursery started and lots of things crossed off our to-do list.  I love, love, love nesting and have been taking advantage of it to tackle some organization and improvement projects around the house before baby Carlson is here!  

Without further delay, here are the belly shots to bring us up-to-date.  Keep scrolling down for the BIG NEWS - is baby Carlson a boy or girl?

17 weeks:

18 weeks:

 19 weeks:

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

20 weeks (1/2 way there!!):

21 weeks (babymoon/anniversary celebration to Crystal Mountain):

 22 weeks:

23 weeks:

 24 weeks:

And since I was wearing the same outfit at 24 weeks as I was in week 14, I did a fun side-by-side bump comparison:

See what I mean?  A LOT has been going down at the Carlson household in preparation for our little man.  We're so excited to be having a healthy little boy.  Blessed beyond belief!  We've been going to birthing classes 1x a week which has been really fun.  It's been great to get to know some other couples who are also expecting around the same time as us.  I hope some new friendships and connections develop out of the time we spend together.  Life has been good.  Achy hips and all.

Here's our fun FB announcement:

New roles indeed!  Bring it on!

16 weeks

Week: 16

Baby is the size of: an avocado!

Symptoms: more energy (yay!), headaches, a growing belly :)...can't complain there!

Last heard the HB: this morning

Emotionally: I am struggling a little bit with feeling like going away from the "security" of my OBGYN might put my baby at risk and I automatically assume my situation is 'worst case scenario', which I'm working on letting go of.  I am feeling a good amount of anxiety about actually carrying this baby to term, now that I'm in second trimester, I'm terrified of a later pregnancy loss.  I'm also terrified of labor, but have requested a transfer of care to a midwife and have signed up for natural childbirth classes, so I'm hoping that calms those fears.  I need to start working on visualization and relaxation.

Plans:  there's a ton of baby stuff in our house - holy wow!!!!  Yesterday we bought an ergo carrier - our first "big" purchase even though it was used (but practically brand new) it was $80 for the carrier and infant insert (insert was still brand new, in the box - score!!).  And last weekend I went to a rotary auction and church rummage sale and bought a TON of baby clothes, blankets, towels, bottles, etc.  It's crazy!!

Positive note: I've been feeling extreme gratitude to just be where I am right now.  It's a conflicting feeling with my bouts of anxiety surrounding the "what ifs" of birth.  Last night I had a root beer, and I allowed myself to enjoy it even though all I could think about was that article I read forever ago that anise is dangerous to unborn babies.  Calm down, nerves, I'm sure the baby is just fine :).  Here we are at 16w2d:

your baby at 16 weeks

• She's listening to your voice, thanks to tiny bones forming in her ears.
• She's growing hair, lashes and eyebrows.
• And she's forming taste buds.

15 weeks

Week: 15

Baby is the size of: an orange

Symptoms: I'm actually starting to get surges of energy, which is great!  I've also taken to peeing every 20 minutes during the day and a few times throughout the night which means sleep has been tricky.  Sometimes I'll stay awake after and just let my mind race...

Last heard the HB: yesterday at our OBGYN checkup.  Baby sounded great with a hb of 150bpm.

Emotionally: I'm doing pretty well.  Having more of a "bump" definitely has helped me.  I finally bought a few baby things at garage sales over the weekend, and that was a huge celebration step for me.  I have baby stuff in my house!!!!!!!!  Oh wow!!

Plans:  we're learning everything we can about cloth diapering right now.  S is on board with it and even though it'll be extra work, we're going to save so much money in the long run.

Positive note: passing June 19th was bittersweet but I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and thankfulness for each day with this little one.  Also, I love seeing our friends become parents themselves...it's the best!

your baby at 15 weeks

• You probably can't feel it yet, but she's squirming a ton!
• She might even be hiccuping in there.
• She's making lots of progress: her joints and limbs can all move now.

One year ago today

June 19th, 2013 was the day I had my D&C procedure.  We had found out on June 3rd that our baby no longer had a heart beat.  Today I feel a deep sense of pain for what I wish I knew at that point in time, I wish I could rip through the blanket of time and give myself the biggest hug and tell myself that I am a strong person who did nothing wrong, who loved her baby with her whole heart and will love like that again.  I would tell myself not to have any grand expectations for another pregnancy: when or how that would happen - that fertility is a tricky thing, and that this journey SUCKS.  It just sucks.  And no one asks or wants to be on this train, but the best thing to do is find others who are hurting like you, and hold on tight to each other - celebrating the ups and comforting during the downs.

Exactly one year ago I was at the outpatient center getting checked in, going through paper work, getting hooked up to the IV, letting my husband comfort me the only way he knew how - by reading me sports articles from the news on our kindle.  In the back of our minds the uncomfortable thoughts fluttered around: "today they're going to take away my baby", "today I'm going to lose her...they're going to take her from me", "we won't get to bury him, he'll be 'medical waste' and there's nothing I can do", "I'm scared", "this sucks", "please tell me this is a horrible dream", "was it something I did?  Or didn't do?".  Caged like little birds, those thoughts fluttered in both our minds creating uncomfortable chatter and the only way to silence them temporarily was to smile, and keep reading sports news.

You do what you have to do to get through, right?  We came home that night, ate pho, I took my pain meds, and went to bed.

I had no idea of the pain and grief that would be waiting for me the next morning.  Like a part of me suddenly went missing over night - I felt completely and utterly betrayed by my own body, my faith, my good intentions, my work ethic, nothing mattered to me anymore.  Over the following months I become angry, bitter, full of hate, full of jealousy, full of resentment and spiraled into a dangerous and scary depression.  It felt like I was suffocating, grasping in the dark for any familiar thing to give me a foot hold, a sense of direction, and most importantly, the answer to my burning question - WHY?

You don't get to know why.  You don't get to know why at all.  Living with no why was my new normal and I had to accept that and move on in order to begin to differentiate which was up from down, left from right again in my life.  I found an online community that was my saving grace.  When it *seemed* like no one in my life knew what I was going through, these ladies did, and their friendship and protective community was exactly what I needed.  Some of them moved on (became pregnant and had their babies), some are still waiting for that to happen, some have sadly decided they are to be child free, not by choice.  Without these women, and the support of my amazing husband, I don't know the depths I would've let myself go to.

While I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and so in love with this baby, I will never ever forget our first and second babies that became angels too soon.  My favorite quote when I think about them is from Winnie the Pooh:

"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"