17 - 24 week catch-up!

YIKES!!!  Can majorly slacking on the blog up-keep be a pregnancy symptom?  I'm going to vote yes.  A lot has happened between week 16 and now!  Here's the nitty gritty:

Symptoms: everything ranging from sore hips, difficulty sleeping (pregnancy insomnia), vivid dreams, nesting and a much bigger belly (you'll see).

Emotionally: I'm doing pretty well. I still have panic attack moments, like when we announced on FB.  There's something I just don't like about broadcasting something so personal on such a public forum.  But, it was time, and I'm not sad I did it.  Our baby will be here soon enough and I don't plan to close my FB account, so I might as well announce the change in our life coming December!  But occasionally, I still contend with fears that are common for PgAL mommas.

Positive note: Time feels like it has been flying by!  We've got the nursery started and lots of things crossed off our to-do list.  I love, love, love nesting and have been taking advantage of it to tackle some organization and improvement projects around the house before baby Carlson is here!  

Without further delay, here are the belly shots to bring us up-to-date.  Keep scrolling down for the BIG NEWS - is baby Carlson a boy or girl?

17 weeks:

18 weeks:

 19 weeks:

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

20 weeks (1/2 way there!!):

21 weeks (babymoon/anniversary celebration to Crystal Mountain):

 22 weeks:

23 weeks:

 24 weeks:

And since I was wearing the same outfit at 24 weeks as I was in week 14, I did a fun side-by-side bump comparison:

See what I mean?  A LOT has been going down at the Carlson household in preparation for our little man.  We're so excited to be having a healthy little boy.  Blessed beyond belief!  We've been going to birthing classes 1x a week which has been really fun.  It's been great to get to know some other couples who are also expecting around the same time as us.  I hope some new friendships and connections develop out of the time we spend together.  Life has been good.  Achy hips and all.

Here's our fun FB announcement:

New roles indeed!  Bring it on!

16 weeks

Week: 16

Baby is the size of: an avocado!

Symptoms: more energy (yay!), headaches, a growing belly :)...can't complain there!

Last heard the HB: this morning

Emotionally: I am struggling a little bit with feeling like going away from the "security" of my OBGYN might put my baby at risk and I automatically assume my situation is 'worst case scenario', which I'm working on letting go of.  I am feeling a good amount of anxiety about actually carrying this baby to term, now that I'm in second trimester, I'm terrified of a later pregnancy loss.  I'm also terrified of labor, but have requested a transfer of care to a midwife and have signed up for natural childbirth classes, so I'm hoping that calms those fears.  I need to start working on visualization and relaxation.

Plans:  there's a ton of baby stuff in our house - holy wow!!!!  Yesterday we bought an ergo carrier - our first "big" purchase even though it was used (but practically brand new) it was $80 for the carrier and infant insert (insert was still brand new, in the box - score!!).  And last weekend I went to a rotary auction and church rummage sale and bought a TON of baby clothes, blankets, towels, bottles, etc.  It's crazy!!

Positive note: I've been feeling extreme gratitude to just be where I am right now.  It's a conflicting feeling with my bouts of anxiety surrounding the "what ifs" of birth.  Last night I had a root beer, and I allowed myself to enjoy it even though all I could think about was that article I read forever ago that anise is dangerous to unborn babies.  Calm down, nerves, I'm sure the baby is just fine :).  Here we are at 16w2d:

your baby at 16 weeks

• She's listening to your voice, thanks to tiny bones forming in her ears.
• She's growing hair, lashes and eyebrows.
• And she's forming taste buds.

15 weeks

Week: 15

Baby is the size of: an orange

Symptoms: I'm actually starting to get surges of energy, which is great!  I've also taken to peeing every 20 minutes during the day and a few times throughout the night which means sleep has been tricky.  Sometimes I'll stay awake after and just let my mind race...

Last heard the HB: yesterday at our OBGYN checkup.  Baby sounded great with a hb of 150bpm.

Emotionally: I'm doing pretty well.  Having more of a "bump" definitely has helped me.  I finally bought a few baby things at garage sales over the weekend, and that was a huge celebration step for me.  I have baby stuff in my house!!!!!!!!  Oh wow!!

Plans:  we're learning everything we can about cloth diapering right now.  S is on board with it and even though it'll be extra work, we're going to save so much money in the long run.

Positive note: passing June 19th was bittersweet but I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and thankfulness for each day with this little one.  Also, I love seeing our friends become parents themselves...it's the best!

your baby at 15 weeks

• You probably can't feel it yet, but she's squirming a ton!
• She might even be hiccuping in there.
• She's making lots of progress: her joints and limbs can all move now.

One year ago today

June 19th, 2013 was the day I had my D&C procedure.  We had found out on June 3rd that our baby no longer had a heart beat.  Today I feel a deep sense of pain for what I wish I knew at that point in time, I wish I could rip through the blanket of time and give myself the biggest hug and tell myself that I am a strong person who did nothing wrong, who loved her baby with her whole heart and will love like that again.  I would tell myself not to have any grand expectations for another pregnancy: when or how that would happen - that fertility is a tricky thing, and that this journey SUCKS.  It just sucks.  And no one asks or wants to be on this train, but the best thing to do is find others who are hurting like you, and hold on tight to each other - celebrating the ups and comforting during the downs.

Exactly one year ago I was at the outpatient center getting checked in, going through paper work, getting hooked up to the IV, letting my husband comfort me the only way he knew how - by reading me sports articles from the news on our kindle.  In the back of our minds the uncomfortable thoughts fluttered around: "today they're going to take away my baby", "today I'm going to lose her...they're going to take her from me", "we won't get to bury him, he'll be 'medical waste' and there's nothing I can do", "I'm scared", "this sucks", "please tell me this is a horrible dream", "was it something I did?  Or didn't do?".  Caged like little birds, those thoughts fluttered in both our minds creating uncomfortable chatter and the only way to silence them temporarily was to smile, and keep reading sports news.

You do what you have to do to get through, right?  We came home that night, ate pho, I took my pain meds, and went to bed.

I had no idea of the pain and grief that would be waiting for me the next morning.  Like a part of me suddenly went missing over night - I felt completely and utterly betrayed by my own body, my faith, my good intentions, my work ethic, nothing mattered to me anymore.  Over the following months I become angry, bitter, full of hate, full of jealousy, full of resentment and spiraled into a dangerous and scary depression.  It felt like I was suffocating, grasping in the dark for any familiar thing to give me a foot hold, a sense of direction, and most importantly, the answer to my burning question - WHY?

You don't get to know why.  You don't get to know why at all.  Living with no why was my new normal and I had to accept that and move on in order to begin to differentiate which was up from down, left from right again in my life.  I found an online community that was my saving grace.  When it *seemed* like no one in my life knew what I was going through, these ladies did, and their friendship and protective community was exactly what I needed.  Some of them moved on (became pregnant and had their babies), some are still waiting for that to happen, some have sadly decided they are to be child free, not by choice.  Without these women, and the support of my amazing husband, I don't know the depths I would've let myself go to.

While I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and so in love with this baby, I will never ever forget our first and second babies that became angels too soon.  My favorite quote when I think about them is from Winnie the Pooh:

"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"

14 weeks

Another week has gone by already.  I find that I'm catching myself in moments of apprehension, fear, and anxiety with thoughts that something bad is sure to happen.  While I acknowledge these feelings, I am trying not to feed them energy and focus on the positive things that are going on (and truthfully, there are a lot of them).  I am never certain of what the future holds, and for that I am thankful because it forces me to be present and grateful for each moment I have.  It has taken me a long time to even let thoughts of having a "real baby" creep into my conscious.  I think out of protection to my heart I avoided it for my whole first trimester.  But now I am trying to embrace these thoughts (and the millions of decisions that seem to come with them) when I feel ready and roll with it knowing that I can't jinx my pregnancy by deciding to go the cloth diapering route versus the disposable route.


Week: 14

Baby is the size of: a lemon

your baby at 14 weeks

• He's probably sucking his thumb and wiggling his toes in there!
• His kidneys are making urine, and his liver and spleen are doing their jobs, too.
• And he's growing lanugo, a thin, peach-fuzz-like hair, all over his body -- it will help him keep warm!

Symptoms: have pretty much subsided.  My chest isn't nearly as sore as it was before and my energy is back up a bit.  One new thing I've been contending with are pregnancy headaches.  They seem to be more frequent and intense when I am out of my "normal" environment and routine.  They're not horrible but they are a nuisance.


Last heard the HB: this morning.  I have no self control :).

Emotionally:  I'm doing pretty well!  Like I said in the intro to this post, I have been welcoming the moments of "real baby" discussions and decisions that are inevitable in this process and giving myself a lot of grace when answering a question from S with "I'm not ready to talk about that yet".  Because here's the thing: I am still a loss mom.  The fear of losing this baby is still with me.  I don't believe in a "safe zone" when it comes to pregnancy.  Being pregnant after a loss is really difficult!  While I still have my doubtful moments, I am excited that I've also been comfortable with thoughts that this is really going to happen and we're really going to become parents to a rainbow baby in December.

Plans:  Cloth diapering.  One of those big decisions some parents face has been made!  To some people their choice might be as obvious as not even feeling like there is a choice, but we wanted to look at using both cloth diapers and disposable ones equally and see which one would be best for our lifestyle, budget, and preference.  What it came down to was convenience (disposable) versus safety and long-term cost (cloth).  I'm no scientist but what I've read about the chemicals they add to the disposable diapers concerned me quite a bit.  And disposable diapers that didn't have those chemical were a LOT more expensive per diaper than cloth diapers.  So, the final nudge in the cloth direction was the long term cost.

Positive note:  We made our first nursery purchase!  We bought three wall decor pieces that will suit our gender neutral nursery theme of animals in blue + yellow.  This was a huge win both budget wise (because they were on clearance at $7 each) and emotionally.  Pretty cute, right?

Here we are at 14w2d.  Bunny ears because I'm like that AND showing some second trimester love, yo!

13 weeks

I tend to be a perfectionist and want to research/plan everything to a T so that it's perfect from the beginning before I even get started on things, but you know what?  I don't have time for that luxury right now and time is ticking away as I progress in my pregnancy.  So, I'm just going to dive right in and start logging the details of our first little Carlson love, who is due December 10th!

Week: 13

Baby is the size of: a peach!

Symptoms: not a whole lot to report here - occasionally I'm really tired and worn out but that's usually on the weekends.  During the week I feel like I have the energy I need to get me through work and home life pretty well.  

Last heard the HB: on Sunday morning with my fetal doppler - it got up to 162bpm.  Best sound in the world.  I could listen all day long, but don't like to keep the doppler on him or her for longer than just a few seconds to let the doppler register the hb accurately (this takes about 15-20 seconds after finding it, which can take about a minute).

Emotionally: doing okay.  Telling work this week was both exciting and terrifying.  I do not like attention and it's difficult for me to jump aboard the "certainty train".  For example, everyone has been saying "oh, yay, a Christmas baby!!", and in my head I keep saying "well, maybe...if everything goes well, yes".  It's part of being PgAL, I suppose.  I'm working on giving myself grace and focusing on starting the bonding process with this little one, who is already so precious to us.

Plans:  we started garage sale shopping!  Even though we didn't buy anything this week, it's fun to get into the habit of doing this with S so that we can be on the same page about 'stuff' we want for when the baby comes.  We discussed nursery themes/ideas, and decided on a blue and yellow themed nursery in what is currently our office.

Positive note:  I am starting to show!  I took this photo to share with my PgAL board at 13w2d:

your baby at 13 weeks

• Can you believe she's forming vocal cords and teeth?!
• And even though she's still teeny, she already has fingerprints.
• Her intestines are moving from the umbilical cord to their more permanent place, in her tummy.